Xavi Smith

Experienced Professional | Transitioning from Tech to Education

Category: Personal

  • 2014: Year in Review

    In an effort to keep up a good habit, it’s time to do a little reflection on last year, and set new goals for 2015. I can’t believe how quickly 2014 went by. I feel as if every year seems to go by quicker than the last. Still, I was able to accomplish three out of five goals this past year, which I’m quite proud of.

    Here were my goals for 2014:

    1. Lose Weight
    2. Learn Rails
    3. Collaborate with Friends
    4. Mentor a Student
    5. Take Work-cations

    I did really well! I lost 10 lbs in 2014 and managed to keep them off. This is still an area I need to work on and will be putting more effort into this year.

    2014 was the year I built the CMS powering Goodstuff. Together with Will Duffy, we built this awesome system that makes creating new shows and posting episodes a breeze. With Will’s help, I’ve become more competent with Rails. I can handle my own when it comes to generating new migrations, creating new controllers, and I even learned how to integrate Stripe payments into a Rails app!

    Last year, I complained that if I could work from anywhere, why wasn’t I? This was fixed by flying to Guatemala and staying a total of six weeks! It was an absolute blast, I rode the bus everywhere, got to see old friends and make new ones, went 5 days without water1, and even spent 3 days on the beach. I did all of it, quite cheaply. I’d definitely recommend it.

    What do I want to accomplish in 2015? Here are my goals for this year:

    1. Lose Weight
      This stupid goal is on the list every year. But slowly, I’m making progress, and it needs to continue. I signed up for the gym in January,2 and thanks to my lovely fianceé, we’ve been going regularly.
    2. Learn a Javascript Framework
      I’d like to eventually become a designer who’s also a full-stack developer, and this is what I see as the next step in my development knowlege. There’s a lot of talk about Angular, Backbone, Ember, etc., and I’d like to know what’s going on here. I’ve heard you can create some really awesome applications with these, which is where I see my career heading as a whole.

    3. Sell More CMS Licenses
      Last year, I built a podcasting CMS. I also licensed it to three networks: the one I co-founded, Goodstuff FM, Relay FM, and Broken Buggy. I’d like to license this CMS to more networks who are in need of a powerful, yet simple system to manage their shows. This might involve creating some type of marketing site, but also might mean that I develop this into a SaaS.

    4. Better Sleeping Habits
      Sleep is so important. They say that when you miss out on sleep, you don’t ever recuperate it. That’s depressing. Either way, I’ve got to get better about getting to sleep earlier and waking up earlier. It’s not so difficult, and interestingly, I always feel refreshed when I do.

    5. Design and Build a Piece of Furniture
      When I was little, I’d work with my Dad building furniture for our house. My Dad has always interested in carpentry. We built my desk together, my bed, their bed, and many others. This year, I’d like to design and build something for my home. Admittingly, I’ll most likely need his help, but for once, maybe I can retain some of the knowlege he imparts.

    Those are my goals for this year. What are yours?

    1. I know, I know. You must be thinking, “that’s horrible.” But it was actually quite interesting. We ended up buying water (the kind you get in those five gallon jugs) and using that to cook and shower. Although a slight incovenince, it was a fun part of the experience. ↩
    2. Just like everyone does. And the gyms totally take advantage of this. They run this special for all of us “New Years Resolutioners”. They figure they’ll make tons of money of these chumps who’ll sign up and never go. ↩

  • Jehovah’s Witnesses Finally Join the Australian Redress Scheme

    Looks like Jehovah’s Witnesses will join the redress scheme in Australia finally, but don’t think it’s because god somehow inspired them to do the right thing:

    The organisation says it will sign up because of new rules introduced by the federal government, which mean it would lose its charity status — and subsequent tax exemptions — for continuing to hold out.

    “Now that the law requires charities to join the scheme, Jehovah’s Witnesses will comply,” it said in a statement to AAP on Wednesday.

    Ah! Okay! Well at least the organization is being honest about being rotten. It can’t lose its precious tax status! The organization still takes absolutely no responsibility for the abuse that’s happened under its watch, but don’t take my word for it:

    “Jehovah’s Witnesses did not voluntarily join because we object to the assertion that the religion of Jehovah’s Witnesses assumes responsibility for children,” the group said.

    For an organization that micromanages every aspect of life for members, this is certainly an interesting twist. But hey, a win is a win. I’ll take their hand being forced to do the right thing for victims, over nothing, any day.

  • It’s Ok to Be Wrong

    Chris Hannah encourages people to share their perspective:

    By sharing your outlook, you’re opening yourself up to others. Which helps everyone keep a bit more of an open mind, and reinforces the fact that not everyone thinks the same.

    There might be the risk of offending people, but that shouldn’t necessarily be a sole reason to stop doing something. Because by taking that risk, you’re expressing yourself. You might not necessarily be right about something, and you might not even agree with yourself in the future. But that’s fine, because opinions evolve, and perspectives shift.

    I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, and Chris’ article gave me that final push to get my thoughts organized on the topic.

    For as opinionated as I am, I fear sharing those opinions most of the time. Because of the religion I was raised in, I got really good at sharing opinions on “safe” things. As you might know, I’m never shy about giving my perspective on technology, design and development, or things like movies and TV shows.

    It’s fairly new for me, however, to have and express opinions about politics, LGBTQ+ issues, or even criticize my former religion. These are things I was raised not to talk about. I used to believe that God’s Kingdom was the solution to humanity’s problems, and therefore had never voted in an election before the 2020 primary.

    I used to believe that LGBTQ+ people were practicing something that God hates, and would be destroyed because of it in God’s coming Judgment day. Up until two and a half years ago, I hadn’t stopped to ever question these beliefs.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that it scares the shit out of me to ever have beliefs like this again, so I’m naturally a bit fearful of expressing my opinions publicly. I also know that family and friends sometimes read these words, and aren’t happy to learn my new perspective on things.

    But what I’ve learned in therapy, and Chris confirms above, is that it’s ok to offer our perspective. And it’s ok for that perspective to be wrong. For most of my life, I’ve seen many things as black or white; either something is right or it’s wrong. But life isn’t like that. Nuance is everything. Maturity in life is not having the “right” perspective all the time, it’s being open to changing that perspective when presented with new information.

    My purpose has never been to offend or hurt people. This blog’s purpose is to be a record of me, how I’m feeling, and what I think about things for myself. It’s the journal I keep for future Tim to read. Sometimes our perspectives will align, other times we’ll disagree; and that’s ok.

  • Join Me on Discord!

    Something I’ve struggled with a lot since leaving the cult, is finding new friends. I didn’t know that my friends and community were conditional, but such is life. No one seems to talk about how difficult it can be to find friends as an adult. Especially as a cult survivor where my friends and community were forced upon me.

    With that in mind, I decided to create a discord server to help me build my own community of sex-positive and inclusive people. I’m not sure what this community will turn out to be. But if there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s my ability to bring people together. If you’re a geek, stoner, or queer like me, let’s be friends!

  • Introducing Friendly Alien

    I am so beyond excited to share the first few designs for Friendly Alien! Friendly Alien is my new little side-project to make soft, comfy, and size-inclusive clothing (and maybe some other knick knacks) for geeks, stoners, and queers. I deeply believe that fat people deserve great things, and so it’s been my priority to find soft and comfy shirts that go up to 5XL.

    I’ll be launching a pre-order soon, so get on the newsletter to find out about it first! Oh, and uh… you’ll get 15% off when we launch if you do. No shenanigans. I respect your privacy, and will only send emails when there’s something cool to share.

    Be a friend, share with a friend!

  • Four Corners Reports on Pattern of Abuse Cover Up within Jehovah’s Witnesses Religion

    As some of you may know, I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness. In 2019, I decided to leave this organization after finding serious abuse cover up and coming across factual information that disproves the religion’s doctrine.

    One of the stories this report touches on is of a young man that committed suicide after being disfellowshipped for being gay. The young man turns out to be a nephew of one of the leaders of this organization, Stephen Lett. This is an issue that hits particularly close to home since my own coming out.

    All in all, it’s a scathing report. It reveals the Jehovah’s Witness religion (contrary to what its members believe) to be a man-made and human-led organization with policies and procedures that create a ripe breeding ground for all types of abuse.

    I’ve never been happier to have distanced myself from this toxic organization. The leadership’s dogmatic and arrogant attitude has led to the ruin of countless lives without even an apology from the organization. Although thankfully, some victims have won cases against the organization resulting in a settlement.

    Whether you’ve ever been a Jehovah’s Witness or not, I recommend you watch the video.

  • Finding My Self

    2019 and 2020 have been some of the most influential years in my life. I left the religious cult I grew up in, had some pretty life-changing breakthroughs in therapy, and I’m slowly finding a political voice I wasn’t allowed to have previously.

    It’s a strange thing to have one’s whole belief system and sense of reality challenged. It’s disorienting; full of grief, sobbing, and deep emotional pain. While many of my former religion would say I’ve taken the easy way out, I can say confidently that there hasn’t been anything easy about it. As I explained last year, death has been an incredibly difficult thing to grapple with now that I don’t believe in an afterlife.

    And yet, I’ve found happiness. Not a happiness rooted in rose-colored glasses, or without challenges. I’m lonely. I feel as if I have no close friends or family who truly know me except for my partner. People who claimed to love me don’t talk to me anymore. That’s tough to deal with in a normal year, I can’t begin to describe what it’s been like in a pandemic.

    But for me it’s always been about truth. Was what I believed true? Not does it make me feel good, not does it surround me with mostly loving (albeit conditional) people, not because it would dissappoint my family if I didn’t.

    Is it the truth?

    The answer for me is a resounding no.

    Ultimately, going into 2021, I’m a completely different person to who I was just two years ago. It’s change at a magnitude I didn’t expect, but as the storm in my head settles, I’m a person I love deeply and accept fully. I know who I am, what I stand for, and the values that guide my life. I want to live a loving and thoughtful life, and I’m doing my best to do so.

    Happy New Year y’all.

  • Does God Really Hate Queers?

    Here’s a fascinating, heartwarming, and heartbreaking video about being queer and whether it’s also possible to have a faith.

    Interestingly, my former religion makes an appearance just to show the world how horrible it is. Jehovah’s Witnesses are not accepting of LGBTQ people. Joshua, a gay man that is featured in the video, explains how he was disfellowshipped (or excommunicated) and subsequently completely shunned by his family. The story of the muslim woman is just as disturbing as she tries to find a marriage of convenience so that her family doesn’t disown her.

    It’s stories like these that push me towards agnosticism and atheism. How could a loving god expect you to shun someone because of who they love? Why would a loving god punish someone for something so deeply personal and intrinsic to who they are, such as their sexuality?

    So does god really hate people who are LGBTQ? I have no interest in a god that does.

  • Jimmy Dore: ‘Nobody Who Voted for the Iraq War Should Become the President’

    While all the results aren’t in, it looks likely that Joe Biden will win the Presidency. This is a man who promised to veto Medicare for All during a pandemic, wants to give more money to police after summer-long protests against police brutality, and won’t commit to banning fracking as we’re facing the impending doom of our species because of the climate crisis.

    As Jimmy talks about in the video, the left needs to grow its power. I believe it no longer makes sense to work within the Democratic party, but I’m not yet sure what that looks like. One thing is for sure: we need leaders that will fight for universal healthcare, fight for our beautiful planet, fight to defund (and eventually abolish) policing as we know it, and put an end to the endless wars.

    There’s much work to be done.

  • On Death

    Death is something I think about often. It might be my anxiety disorder, but most days, the thought enters my mind, “Am I dying?” I mean, technically, the answer is always yes. We’re all dying every day. The pandemic makes this that much worse. Add to that my no longer being religious and, therefore, no longer believing what I used to, and you’ve got yourself quite the cocktail of anxiety.

    I’m barely beginning to explore how other people view death. It wasn’t something I gave much thought to for most of my life, and I arrogantly thought that anyone not belonging to my religion was without hope when it came to death. See, I thought I had all the answers. That death is temporary; that it’s like sleep—you’re asleep one moment and then awake again the next.

    Religion can be exceptionally comforting in that way. I didn’t think about my mortality or what the future entailed. Most belief systems convince you that you never die.

    But I don’t believe that anymore. And it’s tough. I feel as if I’ve been robbed of something. The afterlife was always representative of an ideal life. A life in which I was perfectly healthy, I had a home without a mortgage on the beach somewhere, and I could enjoy my life away from the suffocating grasp of capitalism.

    I don’t mean to be reductive, but believing in an afterlife is kind of like believing in Santa Claus. It would be fantastic if it were real, but there’s just no evidence to prove it factual. And honestly, it’s hard for me to accept it. It is the realization that there is no perfect life, and that just as so many before me, one day I will cease to exist and my life will be over.

    But truth matters to me, and from my research, this is the reality. Living in truth means accepting difficult things that defy what I thought to be true. And I don’t want to be dogmatic about it either; I don’t know 100 percent what will happen when I die. But coming to terms with the finality of life also gives it a beautiful new purpose. It helps me center and be present and appreciate every moment. It helps me remember that I need to tell the people I love that I love them. It helps me be mindful of the impact I have on others and how they feel in my presence.

    So while this new understanding of death has been difficult (and will continue to be), I’m ultimately grateful that I have the chance to accept it and grieve it now. That reality will influence everything I do with the rest of this wonderful life that I have. And that is a gift.