Xavi Smith

Experienced Professional | Transitioning from Tech to Education

Tag: thoughts

  • When I first realized that I might’ve been raised in a cult, I immediately wondered, “How can I be the only one in my family to see this?” I was the fourth generation in my family to be stuck in this cult, and only a few had decided to ever leave.

    Almost three years later, I know that I’m just a pattern breaker. And that’s an extremely difficult role to play. It means being ostracized by people who claimed to love you. It means accepting new truths and new information, no matter how much it completely shatters your sense of reality.

    Religion was ultimately an empty sense of security. I thought I knew why humans existed, what my purpose was, and what happened after death. And now I don’t. And interestingly, it’s actually super freeing to not know the answers. Because I’d rather have questions that I can’t answer, than answers I can’t question.

  • I sent the following message to some of my mother’s family and select old friends:

    Howdy y’all. Just wanted to let you know from the horse’s mouth that I’ve decided to [no] longer be a Jehovah’s Witness. I encourage you to do some objective research into your beliefs. I was certainly surprised by what I found. Sending love and hugs. If you ever need me, you know how to reach me. May the force be with you ❤️

    It feels incredibly freeing to finally send this message. I haven’t had contact with much family in the past two-ish years. When I first debated leaving the cult, it was incredibly scary to think about how my family would react or how they’d treat me.

    In case you didn’t know, leaving the Jehovah’s Witness organization means essentially saying goodbye to everyone you’ve ever known. Members are instructed to shun people who leave the religion, even family. It’s quite nuts. My research led me to conclude without hesitation that this religion is false and for some reason that means I don’t get to have a family anymore. The only reason I got to do this on my own timeline is because the pandemic turned out to be a fantastic cover to leave this cult under the radar. Which I guess is something to be grateful for?

    But what used to be scary, I’ve now come to accept. I mean, my family has shunned me before, so what does it really matter if they do it again? Like, ultimately, people that actually care about you don’t emotionally blackmail you into being part of their religion 😘

    So this feels like closure. I hope to have left things open for any of them to reach out if they ever wake up from their indoctrination. Till then, it feels good for people to know where I stand, and I think it’ll help me start writing the next chapter of my life.

  • It’s Ok to Be Wrong

    Chris Hannah encourages people to share their perspective:

    By sharing your outlook, you’re opening yourself up to others. Which helps everyone keep a bit more of an open mind, and reinforces the fact that not everyone thinks the same.

    There might be the risk of offending people, but that shouldn’t necessarily be a sole reason to stop doing something. Because by taking that risk, you’re expressing yourself. You might not necessarily be right about something, and you might not even agree with yourself in the future. But that’s fine, because opinions evolve, and perspectives shift.

    I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, and Chris’ article gave me that final push to get my thoughts organized on the topic.

    For as opinionated as I am, I fear sharing those opinions most of the time. Because of the religion I was raised in, I got really good at sharing opinions on “safe” things. As you might know, I’m never shy about giving my perspective on technology, design and development, or things like movies and TV shows.

    It’s fairly new for me, however, to have and express opinions about politics, LGBTQ+ issues, or even criticize my former religion. These are things I was raised not to talk about. I used to believe that God’s Kingdom was the solution to humanity’s problems, and therefore had never voted in an election before the 2020 primary.

    I used to believe that LGBTQ+ people were practicing something that God hates, and would be destroyed because of it in God’s coming Judgment day. Up until two and a half years ago, I hadn’t stopped to ever question these beliefs.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that it scares the shit out of me to ever have beliefs like this again, so I’m naturally a bit fearful of expressing my opinions publicly. I also know that family and friends sometimes read these words, and aren’t happy to learn my new perspective on things.

    But what I’ve learned in therapy, and Chris confirms above, is that it’s ok to offer our perspective. And it’s ok for that perspective to be wrong. For most of my life, I’ve seen many things as black or white; either something is right or it’s wrong. But life isn’t like that. Nuance is everything. Maturity in life is not having the “right” perspective all the time, it’s being open to changing that perspective when presented with new information.

    My purpose has never been to offend or hurt people. This blog’s purpose is to be a record of me, how I’m feeling, and what I think about things for myself. It’s the journal I keep for future Tim to read. Sometimes our perspectives will align, other times we’ll disagree; and that’s ok.

  • Finding My Self

    2019 and 2020 have been some of the most influential years in my life. I left the religious cult I grew up in, had some pretty life-changing breakthroughs in therapy, and I’m slowly finding a political voice I wasn’t allowed to have previously.

    It’s a strange thing to have one’s whole belief system and sense of reality challenged. It’s disorienting; full of grief, sobbing, and deep emotional pain. While many of my former religion would say I’ve taken the easy way out, I can say confidently that there hasn’t been anything easy about it. As I explained last year, death has been an incredibly difficult thing to grapple with now that I don’t believe in an afterlife.

    And yet, I’ve found happiness. Not a happiness rooted in rose-colored glasses, or without challenges. I’m lonely. I feel as if I have no close friends or family who truly know me except for my partner. People who claimed to love me don’t talk to me anymore. That’s tough to deal with in a normal year, I can’t begin to describe what it’s been like in a pandemic.

    But for me it’s always been about truth. Was what I believed true? Not does it make me feel good, not does it surround me with mostly loving (albeit conditional) people, not because it would dissappoint my family if I didn’t.

    Is it the truth?

    The answer for me is a resounding no.

    Ultimately, going into 2021, I’m a completely different person to who I was just two years ago. It’s change at a magnitude I didn’t expect, but as the storm in my head settles, I’m a person I love deeply and accept fully. I know who I am, what I stand for, and the values that guide my life. I want to live a loving and thoughtful life, and I’m doing my best to do so.

    Happy New Year y’all.